Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
