i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize