today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
