Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
