Already got asked if we're dating
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
there is glitter all over my balls
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
