i need an iv and a liver transplant
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
