i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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