Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
