apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
