I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
