I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
