My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
