I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
