theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
