Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
