So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
