He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
