This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize