She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize