Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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