I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ketchup is God's man juice
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize