i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
