WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
