OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
