and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
