High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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