And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Randomize
