I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize