she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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