i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think my moral compass just broke
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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