Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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