I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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