And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
home. puking in laundry basket.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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