my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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