so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
