Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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