I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
