Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
