you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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