I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
