I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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