my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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