he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
