my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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