I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
