I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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