I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
