she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
