She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
