I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
