There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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