Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
