I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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