We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
