i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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