I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize