I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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