Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
