You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
