I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
