Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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