Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
